Is Surprising Your Fiancée with an Engagement Ring an Act of Financial Infidelity?

Here’s the scenario: Person A is about to pop the question to Person B. Being a traditionalist, they want to do so with a diamond engagement ring in hand. Sooo romantic. But is it?

Because, in this tale, Person A is struggling with five figures of credit card debt and little savings. Yes, they are making ends meet from week to week now, but the debt hangover from their past still haunts. Objectively, there is no scenario under which they should borrow $6000 (today’s average cost of a natural diamond engagement ring) at 20% (or more) interest for this romantic gesture.

It seems to me that Person B, who is about to become economically entangled with Person A, would want a say in whether they value this “gift” more than increased financial security. Of course, they might still opt for the ring. On the other hand, their reaction may be along the lines of this famous SNL “December to Remember” skit.

When do you start to make money decisions as a couple?

You can guess my answer to this question, right? Before you buy the ring…or make any other far-reaching financial decision.

However you ultimately decide to arrange your bank and investment accounts (joint, individual or both), there actually is no such thing as separate finances in a marriage. You are a joint economic unit. (Just ask the tax code. Or a divorce lawyer.) This principle certainly applies to debt, even though the account is only in one name. Your union will likely be rather short-lived if you take the view that because you are the one without student loan debt, you get to spend a winter week in Cabo, while your indebted better half enjoys a staycation in the cold.

Every relationship is a unicorn, and when the time is right for joint financial decision-making will vary with the couple. Perhaps a good rule of thumb is to trust the little voice in your head. If something about a particular financial decision is making you pause and ask yourself, “What would X do?” then at least casually mentioning your dilemma is in order, if for no other reason than to get a second opinion from someone you trust.

Oh, and the ring? How about a candy ring as a stand-in for the big moment? You can decide jointly whether to replace it later with the “real thing.”